No one will read this.

But I’m ok with that.

Once upon a time, there was a group of us that always blogged. High school friends, going through the basically the same issues as each other.

We’ve basically stopped this system, because college means more to do, breaching out and exploring the world. I don’t find fault with this at all.

As someone who started blogging when she was 13, but didn’t really set up a schedule, I feel like my whole relationship with the process was skewed towards emotional times. “I only blog when I’m emo”. I don’t remember if I or a close friend said this. I’d say this shows the way high school kids think about blogging overall.

So why am I blogging now? I think I was recently struck with this feeling, an inherently introspective feeling. Thus, my subconscious drove me to blog. Probably because no one keeps an actual journal anymore (pen and paper? what?).

I think that, considering this emotional association I have with personal writing, my overall lack of blogging in college has been positive. I have been able to progress as a person without spreading my every thought on the internet. Yet, I feel like it is possible to blog positively – I know that Shaunacy still does (even if she says link and pictures don’t count).

I would love to blog actions – things that I’m doing, things that I’ve seen recently.  Pictures. I feel like this is what was inherently missing in my previous years of blogging. There was a lot of musing, not a lot of action. I still love thinking, obviously. Moreover, I can’t pretend like I’ve completely grown out of that adolescent state of mind. You know the one I’m talking about. I think it comes back to haunt all of us every once in a while. The point is though, how can someone grow if they are not being actively engaged by outside factors?

In other words, if I was ever to pick up blogging again, I would want it to look more like the news section, the arts section. I’m cool with opinions, but not all the goddamn time!

Here was the feeling that I had, that I still have: emotionally, I am still a child. I am inherently jealous, I’ve realized. It’s that little brat that you see, grabbing something of value out of the closest little kid’s hand. That little brat, she is me. Back in the day, like any self-interested teenager, I used to list everything that was right and wrong about me. I agonized about my faults. I don’t keep a list anymore. I’ve learned that focusing on others is a more productive way to improve yourself.

There are some problems that perhaps don’t have solutions. I’m beginning to see the cyclical relationship I have with my emotional faults. It’s frustrating, but I can’t help but feel like I’m on the brink of something: the corner in this circle that will launch me into a healthier mindset.

I feel like I need an emotional paradigm shift. I won’t get it during these last two weeks of the semester: I’ve already set the tone of this semester. I have so many hopes for the summer, despite being home the whole time. I think I need time to rest. Be a hermit, but also a nomad. Hopefully by the end of it, I’ll be able to face a new semester with a sense of optimism. Life is short, I might as well enjoy the brief moment that I have as much as I can.