Restlessness is a four letter word.

Just because I haven’t posted in a while, I suppose.

1. Girl Talk is the best way to stay awake in the morning when working in the office. Headphones required, obviously. (Caution: may cause you to want to sing nasty lyrics and dance like a fiend.)

Way too awesome.

2. I want to grow up to be as badass as Alice Glass.

3.  As of late I haven’t really felt that creative…but recently I’ve realized that I daydream all the time. It’s actually quite interesting…most of the things I think about stem from actual problems in my life and usually end up with really negative conclusions. I’ve determined that it’s because my subconscious is trying to prepare itself for the worst. My biggest thing is dialogue….sometimes if it’s not right the first time, I’ll even go through the scene again in my mind, until it feels like something that would actually happen. Perhaps there is hope for me still.

4. As I’ve told some friends, I think that one of my two biggest goals in life is to create. There’s this part in me that sees something and wants to do it as well. And that really ties into my writing, because writing is all about expression, all about the image that you are creating with your words. Recently I’ve been thinking about flow, about how people verbally express themselves, whether it is through everyday speech or a rehearsed performance, such as hip-hop or slam poetry. I pseudo read this book about hip-hop recently, and it’s definitely deepened my respect for it as a means of poetry. But, like poetry, there is a distinction between what is good and trash. Between Plath, and every young impersonator. Between Nas and “Soulja Boy”. Because I am interested in words, in communication, I am interested in the rhymes of hip hop. And the rhythms of slam poetry. And parts of me wonder: how are these created? I want to have enough passion, and enough command over language, to craft slam.

5. Something I’ve been thinking about recently is how I’ve changed as a person…I recently watched this video in which the speaker said that she was an “old soul, but growing younger everyday”. Her definition of “old soul” was different than the normal one though. It was more focused on having life experiences that weigh a person down…her childhood was full of abuse, and only as she got older did she start to reach outside of how she grew up. She never really went into specifics, but there was a definite gradual change. But everyday contains a new joy, a joy that she couldn’t have had when she was younger. Of course, I’m not going to say that my journey of life thus far has been nearly as dramatic as hers. But I feel similar: my major issues came at an uncommonly young age, and I feel like now I have learned things that many people never do. My version of teen angst is much lesser than many, because most of my angst is behind me. And obviously there are struggles. I have made some huge mistakes in my high school years, things that reverted me back to a child, someone insecure, guilty, and alone. But even those things, I feel like I can say are completely in my past. And recently I’ve had this peace about the bigger picture, about where I’m going in life. And I think it’s because I’ve abandoned the thought that I have to be in complete control, and that I have to know exactly what’s going on at all times. And it really does feel like I’m growing younger everyday.