I’m not hardcore enough to go to Biola.
And by hardcore, I mean hardcore Christian.
I mean, well. I was going to apply to Shimer College in Chicago, because I find their Great Books program interesting. And I was going to apply early, as in before October 15, so that if I get accepted I don’t have to pay for books for the first year, which is nice. But, the 15th is Wednesday… and unfortunately I have a hell of a lot to do, you know? So I was being all depressed (and for no reason, really… sure, I probably won’t make the early app deadline, but I can still apply) and then I had a revelation! I could just apply to Biola. They have a program called the Torrey Honors Institute which basically follows the Great Books program. And, for some reason, I have recently been contemplating going to a Christian college.
I realize I’m not the ideal Christian in any sense, but that doesn’t mean that I don’t want to be. I mean, yeah, it seems like all organized religion has its downfalls, but I do believe in the basics of Christianity. I’ve grown up in a Christian home, but I’ve tried to make it so that’s not the only reason that I follow the religion. Because inheriting a belief system has to be the worst way to find your religion.
Now, I say that, but recently I went to a Woman’s Retreat (not of my own free will) and the speaker talked about the “Three Chairs” of Christianity. To summarize, the First Chair holds the Christians that have a strong relationship with God. They are the ones who came to God by themselves, and it’s a personal commitment. The Second Chair “admires parental faith” and knows about God, but doesn’t really have a strong connection to him. They make compromises with their faith and are merely “influenced” by the Bible. The Third Chair has rejected God completely.
See that Second Chair? That’s me! When I read the chart, and listened to the speaker, I couldn’t be more convinced. And how sad is that? To be lukewarm? Another note she made was that “they are the most frustrated of the three groups”. No kidding!
So here I am, looking at the application for Biola on their website. And I realize that maybe this is not the place for me. I have to get a reference letter from my pastor about my Christian walk. I have to write three essays, describing my “spiritual growth” and whatnot. I have to sign a Statement of Agreement which is basically saying that I must conduct myself in a way that is deemed acceptable to those of Christian faith. I think it’s the last one that doesn’t really sit well with me. I may not be the worst person in the world, but I will probably slip with the curses and act in other rowdy ways. And the other things make me uncomfortable as well. My main pastor doesn’t really know me, and my youth pastor… well, he would probably be thrilled if I told him I wanted to apply to Biola. But I never really see him now, because I don’t go to youth group anymore. And… those essays would be hard to write. Because… I don’t think I’ve spiritually grown in the last three years. I’m not even sure when the peak of my Christian faith was. Maybe middle school. I know that sophomore year I talked more about it, and was happier overall about it, because I had convinced myself (whether it’s true or not, I’m not sure now) that I had reached my conclusions by myself. But recently, other worries and priorities have been taking my time and thoughts, some of them directly contradictory to my belief system. So have I grown? No, I think it’s quite the opposite.
Which might be part of the reason why I want to go to a Christian college, now that I think about it. I really do want to be in that First Chair. But. I’m a weak willed person, an infant in the faith that I’ve held my whole life. If I went to a Christian college, it would help, right? But it’s all so daunting.
Not to mention that to get into the Torrey Honors Institute, which would be the only reason I would go to Biola, tbqh, requires an additional application (with an extra essay) and a 3.8 GPA. Weighted? Unweighted? Doesn’t specify. If unweighted, I’m screwed.
Oh well. We’ll see. Maybe I’ll just ditch the college scene altogether and become a hobo. Who lives in a van. Down by the river.
