Oh my god.
Primetime Crime is showing my family’s secrets.
…
That is such a surreal statement. And technically it’s extended family, but still.
Suicide, abuse, murder…the typical crime scene stuff that you see on news shows. But let me tell you, it is so different when you have been in that house, when you have childhood memories of those messed up teenagers on the screen. When they were happy, unscarred. Not in prison. Not callous. It is so different when you know the man who died. Seeing a relative’s blood, so much blood.
We never told my nana, and one of the first things my dad said was “I hope she’s not watching this”. Things about their family’s past that even we didn’t know…
I guess we all have those black sheep in the family. I just happen to have a few that end up on national television. And it is the most bizzare event…
Oh, and. I freaking hate that woman who was questioning my cousins. She is so…cavalir. Slight grin as she asks about their emotions. What the hell is wrong with her? She obviously can’t even comprehend…
Oh, and the twist. I already know it. They both went to prison. And the ending has so much tragedy that there are really no words to describe.
Cute, yet violent? Count me in.
Dude, My Brute is so addicting.
But in that “ok I’ll spend 5 minutes a day” way. Not in the “omg, must devote my life” way. Which is good.
(Sometimes little escapes are more fun to share than the worries of the real world. …That sounds more emo than it should. But I am kind of worried about some of the health paperwork for Wellesley. I don’t think it’ll be a drastic problem, but I naturally worry more than I should.)
Maybe it just hasn’t hit me yet.
It doesn’t really feel like the end.
I look around at my friends and I know that I’m supposed to miss them when I’m at college. But I don’t think I will…? And that’s not because I hate my friends or whatever. It’s because I know that they are going to have an amazing experience of their own, and that I will be seeing them over Winter Break and Summer after our first year of college, and all that jazz.
To me, this isn’t really the end of anything important. Just high school. Most of the high school experience wasn’t that important to me. Yes, I enjoyed learning, and having some of my teachers, and making such amazing friends. But in college, all of these things are going to expand tenfold. I’m going to be taking awesome classes with amazing instructors and I’ll be meeting so many new friends and having so much go on… it’s going to mindblowingly, ridiculously fantastic.
Leaving high school…I have no sentiments, really. I’ll be seeing the ones who were important to me soon enough. Despite my full-time job, we’re going to spend an ungodly amount of time with each other this summer. We’ll probably be Skyping while we’re away at college. And then we’ll come full circle when we come back to Ventura.
It’s life. Let’s not get all nostalgic when we have so much in front of us.
I’m ready to move on.
This article seems strangely connected to my life.
Saying No.
It feels like the last year has been one big “yes” to everything. Yes, I will take four AP classes! Yes, I will join the Santa Barbara City College Concert Band! Yes, I will work 12.5 hours a week! Yes, I will help at AWANA every Thursday! Yes, yes, yes.
And it was insanity.
It was…difficult. But this article is right in that…I don’t know how to say no to “achievement” and “productivity” and “ego”. I think that if anything ever fully described the academic side of my life in high school, this article does. And this doctrine of “yes”, of “overachieving” until you want to pull your eyes out from all the stress…is a really hard habit to break.
Especially since we are heading off to college. I don’t know about you, but I want to live. I want to fully experience my time at college. I want to join too many clubs. I want to possibly minor in Music on top of my English major. I want to be a DJ on WZLY (Wellesley has their own radio station, and I WANT TO BE A DJ SO BAD). I want to head into Boston every weekend. I want…too many things, I think.
I don’t want to say no. But apparently, I’m going to have to learn how to.
Just some trivial updates.
Two things.
First: today I ended up going to the library. This was unexpected. Also, I checked out four books. This was also completely unexpected, because it seems like the last two years I’ve read less due to being in school, having a social life, and so on.
But being at the library, it really reminded me how much I used to read. I was a serious bookworm. Simply the act of going through the shelves brought back so much nostalgia, I couldn’t say no. I’m not sure if I’ll be able to read the four books before the due date, but I’ll try. The only reason it may be possible is because they are due on the 17th of June, which is after Senior checkout. And then after I read those, I’ll read the book Maddie lent me so long ago…hey, it’s a start.
Secondly, and I realize this is really random, but Warped Tour really does get worse every year. I’ve technically only been to one, in 2007. It was ok; I saw Paramore, Cute Is What We Aim For, Anberlin, PlayRadioPlay!, As Cities Burn, Meg and Dia. In other words, bands that are pretty cool, but….definitely not my favorite bands, or incredibly amazing. Last year I only vaguely wanted to go because Relient K was playing, and I love them, but I obviously didn’t love them enough to go out of my way to see them (especially since I was broke at the time).
This year’s line up looks….meh. I recognize some band names, but am only kind of interested with less than a handful: Jeffree Star, Meg and Dia, Streetlight Manifesto, Underoath. Jeffree Star would probably be fun to watch, since he’s one of those off the wall characters, Meg and Dia are pretty safe, but not bad. Streetlight Manifesto is apparently one of the best ska bands ever, and what I’ve heard, I’ve liked. And I’ve guiltily enjoyed my share of Underoath songs.
But the real question is: do I really want to spend $31 to stand outside all day in crowds of Hot Topic scene kids? Also, it’s on a Sunday, so I probably wouldn’t show up until 1 at the earliest. Also, I’m pretty sure most of my friends realized that Warped Tour is lame…two years ago.
Yeah, the chances of me going are rather slim. Sorry, Jeffree Star.
This is what I’m doing instead of studying for physics.
And really, it just shows you the obvious: that I was never cut out to be a science major anyway.
So, the meaning of truth. I’ve had this discussion with Brad, and it was probably the closest we’ve had to an actual argument, but in all honesty, it was more like an intense debate. See, I’m someone who believes in absolute truth. People can hold various perspectives, but that does not mean their opinions are true. Brad, on the other hand, believes that there is such a thing as relative truth. However, if I remember correctly, he did agree with me that there was a certain absolute truth. I find this stance of agreeing with both sides to be very… moderate. And usually that’s my job, so I guess I won’t hammer on it too much. But still.
Well, I’ve decided that the real issue between our stances is in the definitions. See, I recently realized (while daydreaming in front of my physics study book…) that there are certain situations where truth does not exist. And I really think that these situations are few, but they do exist.
Take for instance, this example. There is a couple. They have been together for a bit, and have sunk into a routine as far as their relationship is concerned. (This parenthetical couple could be dating, married, whatever. Doesn’t matter.) Some people would think that their situation is boring, because there is no more “adventure”. Others would think that it is sweet, because they’re the kind of couple who could grow old together. Now, if one of the members of this couple thinks the former, then there is a problem. They are obviously discontent in their relationship, and should communicate this to their significant other. But if both of these people are content with their relationship, despite its lack of “pizazz”, then there is no problem with the relationship at all. In this respect, there is no concrete way to judge the relationship. There are merely opinions. The rest of the world could think that this relationship should be “better”, but if the people actually in the relationship think that it’s fine, then it is. In essence: there are only opinions, and therefore no “truth” in the matter.
Of course, this is the kind of situation that many people would say is an example of “relative truth”. But they are wrong. Because “relative truth” does not exist. It is merely an absence of truth.
But, once again, these cases are quite rare. If one aspect of this relationship was different, then there would be a way to judge the relationship. If there was abuse, then obviously this would be a detrimental relationship and should be ended.
Mostly, I think these cases are when it deals with humans and their characteristics. After all, there is no concrete answer for which kind of personality is the best. Who says that being introverted is lesser than being extroverted?
But, I really do think that there is an absolute truth, even when it comes to art. You might not appreciate it, but if there was a legitimate amount of technical skill that went into that “abstract art”, well, then it’s good. It is “real” art. Maybe it doesn’t even need technical skill, maybe all it needed was a worldview it was portraying, or an idea. “Chaos” with smears all over the place, looking like the work of a toddler. If it is honest, rather than merely for a pretentious show, then it is art.
(Of course, talking about truth and art and truth in art is tricky, because it gets into the whole realm of realism vs. the feelings/opinions of the artist. I think there are two different ways to judge art, and they are: art as skill and art as a message. Honestly, I personally dislike most realistic paintings, but obviously they have merit in the “art as skill”. I suppose that some would say that their “message” is that there is no “message” outside of the physically real. (I would disagree.) I lean much more towards abstract, because it usually portrays “art as message”. Which is interesting, because I’m sure many people would debate that most “message” art is focused mainly on human feeling, which may never equal truth. But I guess that in this sense, it’s not whether the artist was right in their opinion. The value of the art comes from whether their opinion was accurately and vividly portrayed. At least, that’s what I think at the moment. And… obviously I haven’t worked this train of thought out yet, due to just now stumbling upon it. Imagine that! I don’t have all the answers!)
Stress is silly.
In the end, it won’t matter if I pass or fail the four AP tests that are a stone’s throw away.
We are so blessed, we measure success by abstract concepts, like numbers. Numbers that supposedly symbolize our intelligence. Some might say, our worth. It’s silly. I am not less of a person if I get a 2 on my Calculus exam. 2, 4, 5, 1, 3. Numbers. Letters: A, B, C, D, F. Not important.
If I “fail” in this academic aspect, the worst possible thing that could happen to me as of this moment is: I won’t graduate high school. I can’t see this possibly happening, but let’s just through it out there. I stay back a year. A year of my life is redone. Even that, as much as it would suck (a lot), is not that terrible. If, for whatever reason, I fail out of college. If, for whatever reason, the whole of academia turns its back on me, no one would accept me, I can’t get a job.
Terrible right? No journalism for me, but. I’ll join a non-profit. People are what matter to me. My family, my friends, but beyond that. I have never really cared about monetary success. In the words of my father, “an education is to prepare you for a career”. I am intelligent. I know how to learn. And in no way am I giving up on college. (Wellesley, woo!) (And yes…sigh. I guess I’ll still study my ass off for our AP tests…) But at the end of the day, if worst comes to worst, I can live my life without college. Without monetary success. All I want in life, really, is to help others.
You would think that the monotone activities that we currently do for community service would have deterred this young, naive idealism. But I guess not.
Apparently I made an impression….
I hadn’t even planned to speak… but there you go. The City Manager, Rick Cole, officially likes me. It’s rather flattering, really.
http://www.cityofventura.net/cmblog/2009/04/finding-wright-answer.html
In other news, AP tests? Yeah, I’m stressed. But recently I’ve had this overwhelming sense of fate. What needs to happen will happen. I’m just focusing on taking life one day at a time. And I guess that’s all I have to say for right now.
The Vital Questions
If you don’t understand it, don’t worry. It’s an experiment with the “question words”.
I love writing in fragments…probably because I’m too cowardly to ever give the full picture.
How
Are you doing? I continue, but what
I see: disinterested distracted look why
Am I still talking? “Do you know where…?”
I hate it when
People do this to m– who?
